Facing your shadows

I am writing about my “new” approach to working at my relationship. 

In the past, I was guided to walk away from a co-dependent relationship. The state of mind that I was at was the best choice. Recovery is hard enough. If you are co-dependent, this becomes multiple relapses. These relationships are addictions. It’s not healthy. If it’s abusive, then it is dangerous. 

I am 41 human years today. I walked away from my current relationship. I was guided by my ancestors and spirit guides. I left. It became everything I thought would happen. That I used them. I let it go. His mom texted and texted my sons dad. It was a money issue. She became so cruel when I wouldn’t give info on her son. I have apologized many times. At her request. I apologize for my part. I’ve accepted that she won’t like me. It has nothing to do with me. I don’t take it personally. 

I can see why I was guided to walk away. The next girlfriend was a homeless girl. It’s up in the air about truth. I believe they were together. He texted me a message of all she does that gets him mad. I told him he does that as well. He was rude and disrespectful to her. I don’t believe in degrading women. We talk. I told her to walk away. There’s no excuse for anyone to talk down on anyone. He needs to speak to you like he does me. *not a gloat* I feel many women think we are in competition. We are not. This guy and I have a history. Our healing depends on one another. We were not together. It’s been challenging. 

I am a very positive and I can see when I am being lied to. He had others in his head tell me. Sounds bad. It was a dark time on Earth. I knew I saw something in his eyes when we first met. He has a lot of potential. He had anger. He was a narcissist. He would get people to hate me. He did this out of hurt. I have been through this before. I just walked away. I still cared. People don’t realize that sometimes stepping away is needed. I am happy I did. 

My journey is some different subjects. It’s about Spirituality and Religion. I understand more now. I know who we are. We have been together a long time. The bodies we had have changed. Time at this stage was in reverse. It was my kids dad. This stage was different. I was so confused at who was who. I was in the 4D matrix. People said I am fragmented. I understand now. The kids dad missed his calling. I took it on. He was with our children. 

I realized so much about my current life and his life. We are all a result of Cultural Genocide. This trauma literally shattered me again. As a baby, we have a story. The story behind it can be something we do not needed to know. We do, because it can show us how to stop it. I had Marvin to be there for me. He has been amazing in his support. He is caring. He does worry about others opinions. He did. This is my learning curve. 

To have lives when we aren’t together. Addictions. I accept that. He wants to quit. I go to my sons house for detox. I will stay there until I get my RV. Then I’ll park there or near. I have been absent due to me thinking in time. It’s a prioritization of my time. I don’t need this anymore. It’s an issue with us together. I chose to leave the area. I am excited to create a small homestead. Enjoy the outdoors. My business is transitioning communities into self sufficient and sustainable communities. The key is Higher Conciousness. Lots of plans. I am excited. It feels really good to put a plan in motion that will align with the new Earth. It will also be less dependent on systems that do not benefit anyone. It’s not for profit. It’s run by everyone. No one banished. No one getting paid. We have more time for Family. 

I acknowledge the posts on racism or division. It is losing its edge. I feel more confident providing a point of view that makes sense. It’s not being argumentative. Completing my family tree showed me we all come from the same person. Each day I see another person that asks questions for their journey. 

In our relationship, he needs to be nice to others. We communicate. I know my reaction is silence when I’m upset. I am thinking about it. How I could have reacted. How I did react. I know it hurts him. It does scare me, his driving. Fear...why? 

His friends complimented my work, but it’s the work he has done. We are mirrors of what we need to work on. I can’t tolerate disrespect of anyone. I need to remember he’s younger. He has had a lot of coddling. His situation plays a part in his reactions. It’s temporary. I remind him it’s good. I am having a hard time knowing what to say. I am thinking I need to be more supportive. Affection is hard. 

Marriage had to be official. I thought of people. I felt the most aligned with Marvin. Later his healing will come back to his family. I have a lot of Faith. Seeing him on FB. Seeing him in Marvin. It’s the eyes. It’s familiar. He’s like the times with the kids dad. Their dad doesn’t remember. 

I am focused on working together. I cut him off. I’ll work on  that. I feel pretty secure. I don’t think it was the girl sleeping here, but not telling me. We didn’t discuss it. He wants to help. I gave advice too soon. Our views are very skewed. We have to see where we are before the advice. I really held back recently because I wasn’t sure. 

I will get in routine. I was observing. 

A relationship is two people that work together. I want my mom to be better. They are the same lineage. It will heal my mom. I have moved up. A lot of people are not used to this version. I drank. I did obtain my Masters of Science of Accountancy. I hate multiple choice so no CPA. 

I will write often. This helps with a dialogue. I  grateful for him. I don’t say it. I should. He works hard to make me happy. That’s all that matters. I respect that. 

Throw me in a crowd of strangers and I’m good. 

Throw me in a crowd with my man and I should be good. 

Working on it. ♾

Letting Go

It’s 6:00am in the morning. I am laying here thinking for sure this time. 

I am tired of being hurt. I have done this whole thing before. I am able to stand on my own two feet soon. When I choose to leave, I am given the guilt trip. I don’t promise to support people. I will help them if they help themselves. It is difficult to help someone who lies, manipulates and steals. 

Is this love? No. 

I was reading the book Letting ago. This really talked to me. 

I need to get off this drug. That’s what I need to do. 

It’s like I am being sucked in. It really sucks. I hate this feeling. I am going to stick with it. 

It’s not so much what he does, but his mom. I try real hard to have patience. It’s something I need to work on. I don’t need her to like me. I would like a little respect. I am called a “certificate holder” and not sure why I am called that. The woman likes his drug addict friends. I am thinking this is more of she likes him in his addiction because she knows what he’s doing. He’s stopped telling her about us. His friend Sarah tells her about us, I am guessing. 

I want a relationship where it’s between the man and I. I don’t mind mothers, but when she calls me “her” or “she” then it is not a relationship. 

I guess we will see. I see a future, but I don’t want to leave my son. 

I’ll be going home today. I hate when I leave like this. We tried working and that was a bust. I made $3 and something. 

I am grateful for meeting all these people. I am grateful I am learning. I am grateful I have had places to stay. It’s been really rough through this awakening. Coming face to face with my shadows. I know this lifestyle is bringing me back to the times I wanted to be liked by all. I actually don’t. It’s on them. It’s not about me. I have a lot of support and a lot of people who value my friendship. 

The Plan

I am revamping this blog. I have blogs all over

2020 is a new year

A new year and new beginnings.

You sober up and life gets real. You begin to change old habits. It's not just about quitting substances or people. It's about changing everything. It's about looking at your life and everything you have done. It's pretty easy because everyone has told you what you've done wrong in your life already. It's just a matter of remembering what was said and when.

In the beginning, I just enjoyed partying and having fun. The more you party, the more shit happens to you. You have to accept it because you chose to be there. You're the one to blame. You drink to cope. Life blurs on by. Literally drinking your feelings out of the bottle. Is it really that easy to quit? Dealing with your feelings on a daily basis. Today, I don't mind. I am not ashamed of my actions. It took me 11 years to get here though. 11 years to realize that you need to love within first. You keep searching outward for love you probably will never find. People cheat. People get jealous. People are abusive. People rape. People steal. People hurt. If you loved yourself then you wouldn't want to hurt others. You just want people to love. Receive love. Give love. Spread love.

I make goals and I achieve them. I had no clue what to do in life. So I floated through life. No direction. Bored. I quit it all one day. I went on my journey. I took some detours, but I made it home. People think I lost my mind. People think I was a lost soul. They can't accept the fact that you have to travel through the unknown to understand this world. This world is so divided. It's no wonder there is so much conflict.

Fear. People fear what they don't understand. If you don't understand, then how is hiding from it going to help them. When we are children, we are told to conquer our fears head on. We do and we are told "that's wrong". We are told to help those that need help. When we do, then we are told "not that person". I hope my children do not follow my path. They choose not to. They ask me "what is wrong with you mom?" I believe in experiencing and not going by hear-say. Especially by people who watched a news story or read an article. The real learning is going through it,

I learnt addicts have low self esteem. So posting media and pictures of what you will look like if....you drink or do drugs. Telling them to go home to their children is saying "you're a shit parent and your selfish". Like we don't know that. Addiction is a slow suicide and escape from the judgement in this world.

On my trip to Vegas, I met parents that cared deeply for their children that chose addictions. They were the "black sheep" and I saw they had family. I don't. My family gave up on me a long time ago. I have a Masters degree. I have 7 children. I had a job. I had an apartment. I chose to try meth. I wanted to see why people lost everything on this drug. People actually lose their minds among each other. People with low self esteem are paranoid and things go missing. People accusing everyone. People like to push the limits. See how far they can go. It has nothing about being a thief. Some are. It's an addiction. There is so much addictions in this world. It's legal though. It's an addiction if you have affected those around you.

Addicts will not get better if families don't do their part. Families are affected. All of them. Your in denial if you think your perfect. You control everything in everyone's life. You want to be the golden child that does no wrong. The actual addict. The child that keeps going out with addicts. The helper. The enabler who sits back and does nothing to stop the person hurting others. Oh wait! Everyone is hurting one another.

I wish I was born without feelings.

My child that talks to me brings me joy. I just know I won't tell him how to feel or what he is feeling. He can choose what he wants to do. He already loves outside. He see's his mom and dad getting along. My relationships are on hold. My relationship with him is my priority.

I am gonna get back on this path. I allowed others hate affect me. You love some people so much, but you have to walk away. They focus on the bad. Ignore the good.

I found my way, by finding what the Bible teaches, but what I was taught by the people in my Culture. You can read the Bible, but its how you live your life that is important. You can spit hateful words and Bible quotes, but if you are a hypocrite - doesn't resonate very far.

You spread hate - You will receive hate.
You spread love - You will receive love.

Hate is lonely! Love is not lonely.

It's harder for me to change hate into love. I can change hopeless to hope. I can tell people what will make them feel better. Hate is a hard one. That's probably why they said its circumcision of the heart in the Bible. It's a process.

People with hate or anger will not hear loving words. They hear something else. Blame. Guilt. It definitely is the blind and deaf. I was the same way. Then I woke up. Thinking what is going on?

Life gets better though. This world will get better. One person at a time. One issue at a time.