A new year and new beginnings.
You sober up and life gets real. You begin to change old habits. It's not just about quitting substances or people. It's about changing everything. It's about looking at your life and everything you have done. It's pretty easy because everyone has told you what you've done wrong in your life already. It's just a matter of remembering what was said and when.
In the beginning, I just enjoyed partying and having fun. The more you party, the more shit happens to you. You have to accept it because you chose to be there. You're the one to blame. You drink to cope. Life blurs on by. Literally drinking your feelings out of the bottle. Is it really that easy to quit? Dealing with your feelings on a daily basis. Today, I don't mind. I am not ashamed of my actions. It took me 11 years to get here though. 11 years to realize that you need to love within first. You keep searching outward for love you probably will never find. People cheat. People get jealous. People are abusive. People rape. People steal. People hurt. If you loved yourself then you wouldn't want to hurt others. You just want people to love. Receive love. Give love. Spread love.
I make goals and I achieve them. I had no clue what to do in life. So I floated through life. No direction. Bored. I quit it all one day. I went on my journey. I took some detours, but I made it home. People think I lost my mind. People think I was a lost soul. They can't accept the fact that you have to travel through the unknown to understand this world. This world is so divided. It's no wonder there is so much conflict.
Fear. People fear what they don't understand. If you don't understand, then how is hiding from it going to help them. When we are children, we are told to conquer our fears head on. We do and we are told "that's wrong". We are told to help those that need help. When we do, then we are told "not that person". I hope my children do not follow my path. They choose not to. They ask me "what is wrong with you mom?" I believe in experiencing and not going by hear-say. Especially by people who watched a news story or read an article. The real learning is going through it,
I learnt addicts have low self esteem. So posting media and pictures of what you will look like if....you drink or do drugs. Telling them to go home to their children is saying "you're a shit parent and your selfish". Like we don't know that. Addiction is a slow suicide and escape from the judgement in this world.
On my trip to Vegas, I met parents that cared deeply for their children that chose addictions. They were the "black sheep" and I saw they had family. I don't. My family gave up on me a long time ago. I have a Masters degree. I have 7 children. I had a job. I had an apartment. I chose to try meth. I wanted to see why people lost everything on this drug. People actually lose their minds among each other. People with low self esteem are paranoid and things go missing. People accusing everyone. People like to push the limits. See how far they can go. It has nothing about being a thief. Some are. It's an addiction. There is so much addictions in this world. It's legal though. It's an addiction if you have affected those around you.
Addicts will not get better if families don't do their part. Families are affected. All of them. Your in denial if you think your perfect. You control everything in everyone's life. You want to be the golden child that does no wrong. The actual addict. The child that keeps going out with addicts. The helper. The enabler who sits back and does nothing to stop the person hurting others. Oh wait! Everyone is hurting one another.
I wish I was born without feelings.
My child that talks to me brings me joy. I just know I won't tell him how to feel or what he is feeling. He can choose what he wants to do. He already loves outside. He see's his mom and dad getting along. My relationships are on hold. My relationship with him is my priority.
I am gonna get back on this path. I allowed others hate affect me. You love some people so much, but you have to walk away. They focus on the bad. Ignore the good.
I found my way, by finding what the Bible teaches, but what I was taught by the people in my Culture. You can read the Bible, but its how you live your life that is important. You can spit hateful words and Bible quotes, but if you are a hypocrite - doesn't resonate very far.
You spread hate - You will receive hate.
You spread love - You will receive love.
Hate is lonely! Love is not lonely.
It's harder for me to change hate into love. I can change hopeless to hope. I can tell people what will make them feel better. Hate is a hard one. That's probably why they said its circumcision of the heart in the Bible. It's a process.
People with hate or anger will not hear loving words. They hear something else. Blame. Guilt. It definitely is the blind and deaf. I was the same way. Then I woke up. Thinking what is going on?
Life gets better though. This world will get better. One person at a time. One issue at a time.
