Facing your shadows

I am writing about my “new” approach to working at my relationship. 

In the past, I was guided to walk away from a co-dependent relationship. The state of mind that I was at was the best choice. Recovery is hard enough. If you are co-dependent, this becomes multiple relapses. These relationships are addictions. It’s not healthy. If it’s abusive, then it is dangerous. 

I am 41 human years today. I walked away from my current relationship. I was guided by my ancestors and spirit guides. I left. It became everything I thought would happen. That I used them. I let it go. His mom texted and texted my sons dad. It was a money issue. She became so cruel when I wouldn’t give info on her son. I have apologized many times. At her request. I apologize for my part. I’ve accepted that she won’t like me. It has nothing to do with me. I don’t take it personally. 

I can see why I was guided to walk away. The next girlfriend was a homeless girl. It’s up in the air about truth. I believe they were together. He texted me a message of all she does that gets him mad. I told him he does that as well. He was rude and disrespectful to her. I don’t believe in degrading women. We talk. I told her to walk away. There’s no excuse for anyone to talk down on anyone. He needs to speak to you like he does me. *not a gloat* I feel many women think we are in competition. We are not. This guy and I have a history. Our healing depends on one another. We were not together. It’s been challenging. 

I am a very positive and I can see when I am being lied to. He had others in his head tell me. Sounds bad. It was a dark time on Earth. I knew I saw something in his eyes when we first met. He has a lot of potential. He had anger. He was a narcissist. He would get people to hate me. He did this out of hurt. I have been through this before. I just walked away. I still cared. People don’t realize that sometimes stepping away is needed. I am happy I did. 

My journey is some different subjects. It’s about Spirituality and Religion. I understand more now. I know who we are. We have been together a long time. The bodies we had have changed. Time at this stage was in reverse. It was my kids dad. This stage was different. I was so confused at who was who. I was in the 4D matrix. People said I am fragmented. I understand now. The kids dad missed his calling. I took it on. He was with our children. 

I realized so much about my current life and his life. We are all a result of Cultural Genocide. This trauma literally shattered me again. As a baby, we have a story. The story behind it can be something we do not needed to know. We do, because it can show us how to stop it. I had Marvin to be there for me. He has been amazing in his support. He is caring. He does worry about others opinions. He did. This is my learning curve. 

To have lives when we aren’t together. Addictions. I accept that. He wants to quit. I go to my sons house for detox. I will stay there until I get my RV. Then I’ll park there or near. I have been absent due to me thinking in time. It’s a prioritization of my time. I don’t need this anymore. It’s an issue with us together. I chose to leave the area. I am excited to create a small homestead. Enjoy the outdoors. My business is transitioning communities into self sufficient and sustainable communities. The key is Higher Conciousness. Lots of plans. I am excited. It feels really good to put a plan in motion that will align with the new Earth. It will also be less dependent on systems that do not benefit anyone. It’s not for profit. It’s run by everyone. No one banished. No one getting paid. We have more time for Family. 

I acknowledge the posts on racism or division. It is losing its edge. I feel more confident providing a point of view that makes sense. It’s not being argumentative. Completing my family tree showed me we all come from the same person. Each day I see another person that asks questions for their journey. 

In our relationship, he needs to be nice to others. We communicate. I know my reaction is silence when I’m upset. I am thinking about it. How I could have reacted. How I did react. I know it hurts him. It does scare me, his driving. Fear...why? 

His friends complimented my work, but it’s the work he has done. We are mirrors of what we need to work on. I can’t tolerate disrespect of anyone. I need to remember he’s younger. He has had a lot of coddling. His situation plays a part in his reactions. It’s temporary. I remind him it’s good. I am having a hard time knowing what to say. I am thinking I need to be more supportive. Affection is hard. 

Marriage had to be official. I thought of people. I felt the most aligned with Marvin. Later his healing will come back to his family. I have a lot of Faith. Seeing him on FB. Seeing him in Marvin. It’s the eyes. It’s familiar. He’s like the times with the kids dad. Their dad doesn’t remember. 

I am focused on working together. I cut him off. I’ll work on  that. I feel pretty secure. I don’t think it was the girl sleeping here, but not telling me. We didn’t discuss it. He wants to help. I gave advice too soon. Our views are very skewed. We have to see where we are before the advice. I really held back recently because I wasn’t sure. 

I will get in routine. I was observing. 

A relationship is two people that work together. I want my mom to be better. They are the same lineage. It will heal my mom. I have moved up. A lot of people are not used to this version. I drank. I did obtain my Masters of Science of Accountancy. I hate multiple choice so no CPA. 

I will write often. This helps with a dialogue. I  grateful for him. I don’t say it. I should. He works hard to make me happy. That’s all that matters. I respect that. 

Throw me in a crowd of strangers and I’m good. 

Throw me in a crowd with my man and I should be good. 

Working on it. ♾

Letting Go

It’s 6:00am in the morning. I am laying here thinking for sure this time. 

I am tired of being hurt. I have done this whole thing before. I am able to stand on my own two feet soon. When I choose to leave, I am given the guilt trip. I don’t promise to support people. I will help them if they help themselves. It is difficult to help someone who lies, manipulates and steals. 

Is this love? No. 

I was reading the book Letting ago. This really talked to me. 

I need to get off this drug. That’s what I need to do. 

It’s like I am being sucked in. It really sucks. I hate this feeling. I am going to stick with it. 

It’s not so much what he does, but his mom. I try real hard to have patience. It’s something I need to work on. I don’t need her to like me. I would like a little respect. I am called a “certificate holder” and not sure why I am called that. The woman likes his drug addict friends. I am thinking this is more of she likes him in his addiction because she knows what he’s doing. He’s stopped telling her about us. His friend Sarah tells her about us, I am guessing. 

I want a relationship where it’s between the man and I. I don’t mind mothers, but when she calls me “her” or “she” then it is not a relationship. 

I guess we will see. I see a future, but I don’t want to leave my son. 

I’ll be going home today. I hate when I leave like this. We tried working and that was a bust. I made $3 and something. 

I am grateful for meeting all these people. I am grateful I am learning. I am grateful I have had places to stay. It’s been really rough through this awakening. Coming face to face with my shadows. I know this lifestyle is bringing me back to the times I wanted to be liked by all. I actually don’t. It’s on them. It’s not about me. I have a lot of support and a lot of people who value my friendship. 

The Plan

I am revamping this blog. I have blogs all over

2020 is a new year

A new year and new beginnings.

You sober up and life gets real. You begin to change old habits. It's not just about quitting substances or people. It's about changing everything. It's about looking at your life and everything you have done. It's pretty easy because everyone has told you what you've done wrong in your life already. It's just a matter of remembering what was said and when.

In the beginning, I just enjoyed partying and having fun. The more you party, the more shit happens to you. You have to accept it because you chose to be there. You're the one to blame. You drink to cope. Life blurs on by. Literally drinking your feelings out of the bottle. Is it really that easy to quit? Dealing with your feelings on a daily basis. Today, I don't mind. I am not ashamed of my actions. It took me 11 years to get here though. 11 years to realize that you need to love within first. You keep searching outward for love you probably will never find. People cheat. People get jealous. People are abusive. People rape. People steal. People hurt. If you loved yourself then you wouldn't want to hurt others. You just want people to love. Receive love. Give love. Spread love.

I make goals and I achieve them. I had no clue what to do in life. So I floated through life. No direction. Bored. I quit it all one day. I went on my journey. I took some detours, but I made it home. People think I lost my mind. People think I was a lost soul. They can't accept the fact that you have to travel through the unknown to understand this world. This world is so divided. It's no wonder there is so much conflict.

Fear. People fear what they don't understand. If you don't understand, then how is hiding from it going to help them. When we are children, we are told to conquer our fears head on. We do and we are told "that's wrong". We are told to help those that need help. When we do, then we are told "not that person". I hope my children do not follow my path. They choose not to. They ask me "what is wrong with you mom?" I believe in experiencing and not going by hear-say. Especially by people who watched a news story or read an article. The real learning is going through it,

I learnt addicts have low self esteem. So posting media and pictures of what you will look like if....you drink or do drugs. Telling them to go home to their children is saying "you're a shit parent and your selfish". Like we don't know that. Addiction is a slow suicide and escape from the judgement in this world.

On my trip to Vegas, I met parents that cared deeply for their children that chose addictions. They were the "black sheep" and I saw they had family. I don't. My family gave up on me a long time ago. I have a Masters degree. I have 7 children. I had a job. I had an apartment. I chose to try meth. I wanted to see why people lost everything on this drug. People actually lose their minds among each other. People with low self esteem are paranoid and things go missing. People accusing everyone. People like to push the limits. See how far they can go. It has nothing about being a thief. Some are. It's an addiction. There is so much addictions in this world. It's legal though. It's an addiction if you have affected those around you.

Addicts will not get better if families don't do their part. Families are affected. All of them. Your in denial if you think your perfect. You control everything in everyone's life. You want to be the golden child that does no wrong. The actual addict. The child that keeps going out with addicts. The helper. The enabler who sits back and does nothing to stop the person hurting others. Oh wait! Everyone is hurting one another.

I wish I was born without feelings.

My child that talks to me brings me joy. I just know I won't tell him how to feel or what he is feeling. He can choose what he wants to do. He already loves outside. He see's his mom and dad getting along. My relationships are on hold. My relationship with him is my priority.

I am gonna get back on this path. I allowed others hate affect me. You love some people so much, but you have to walk away. They focus on the bad. Ignore the good.

I found my way, by finding what the Bible teaches, but what I was taught by the people in my Culture. You can read the Bible, but its how you live your life that is important. You can spit hateful words and Bible quotes, but if you are a hypocrite - doesn't resonate very far.

You spread hate - You will receive hate.
You spread love - You will receive love.

Hate is lonely! Love is not lonely.

It's harder for me to change hate into love. I can change hopeless to hope. I can tell people what will make them feel better. Hate is a hard one. That's probably why they said its circumcision of the heart in the Bible. It's a process.

People with hate or anger will not hear loving words. They hear something else. Blame. Guilt. It definitely is the blind and deaf. I was the same way. Then I woke up. Thinking what is going on?

Life gets better though. This world will get better. One person at a time. One issue at a time.

This could be your rock bottom

Hit age 40 years old
     Over the hill
     Should be in my career
     Never thought I would be a felon
     Still not married
     Seven children I don't have in my care

I have a lot of regrets
     If I was to return to 2012
     I would tell myself or know
     To aim for my goals
      Quit the drinking
     Let go of Herman
     A man that can't be honest
     With myself or himself
     I can do better
     Tell myself "DONE" and i can't remember

Alcohol
     Hurting my children
     Not good for my health
     Need to find a way to cope
     Writing can help
     Creating a blog
     Going for walks
     Eating a healthy diet
     Pick up my children
     Bring them to the parks
     Cut out the friends that drink
     Attend the meetings AA and NA I planned to

Drugs
    Come clean with myself
    Admit I take over the counter medicine
    It takes me someplace else
    I fall, I slip and injure myself
    My children don't need this
    They need their momma
    They love me
    I can only mess up so much
    Then I'll be alone
    Me, myself and I
    I can survive being alone
    I know this
    Its not what I want

2012
    If there's a time I need to rewind
     This is the time
    Not worrying about money
    Custody of my children
    Being a leader
     Fighting for the rights of my people
     Culture is within
     Not lost because you are raised among the white people
     Family is important
     They have a part in who you are
      Adopted and Birth family

Wayne
     My adopted father
     Skiing every weekend in the mountains
     Birthday meal of lobster, steak and asparagus
     Memories that bring tears to our eyes
    Wishing we could stay in those early years
     We need to grow up and experience life
     Moving forward and not looking back
     You are always my father
     Blood or not, you raised me into Me
     I am sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't
     I dealt with life wrong
     This is not something you taught me
     When life gets hard, we come together as a family
     We help one another out
     No more bitterness
     Love is TRUE
     I love you

Frances
    My adopted mother
     Taught me to use my voice
     Never settle for less because of the color of my skin
     To fight even if you have disease and illness
     I remember having to care for you
     Getting Paul and I out to the bus
     Grabbing a bucket for you to throw up in
     The only time I saw you cry and in pain
     Besides the time you slipped and broke your shoulder
     You are not getting younger
     I want to let you know I love you
     Your a strong woman
     Telling me that's not how you were raised
     Wasn't a put down, but a wake up call
     That you saw me more than an alcoholic
     A woman that is a survivor
     A woman that left abuse
     A woman that can be sober
     A beautiful woman that deserves a better life
     I was stuck in my sorrows
     I never heard this
    I heard your a loser
     You are a disappointments
    This was not even right
     I was telling myself this
    It took me a lot to ask for your help
     I am grateful you helped me
     I saw who he was
     In time, he will change
     When he wants to deal with his past

Paul
    My adopted brother
    The opposite of myself
     Blond hair and Blue eyes
     Doing everything mom and dad wanted
     Are you truly happy?
    Not being able to freely see your son
     To live closer to Mom and Dad
     We need to be a family
    Mom and Dad are getting older
    My kids don't know their uncle
     Quit working day in and day out
     Stand next to me
     To fight for the rights of my people
     I am your sister
     We used to be close
     What happened?
     We separated due to race
    This shouldn't happen
     I am sorry
     October 1, 1994 I should have showed up at 9pm
     This affected us
     I admit this not
     This caused a rift of hate
     A split between the family
    If I had been there at 9pm
     I would still have my virginity
     I wouldn't have been raped 4 times in one weekend
     I would have a brother
     I would have had happy parents
     I never knew one thing could cause a ripple of sadness
     Grandpa would have never attacked you
     You wouldn't suffer depression
     You would have had pride
     You would live the life you deserve
     You would have treated me with more respect
     One decision I want to take back
     I don't care if I would be called a good two shoes
     None of those people are in my life today
     The ones I want back is my family

Jeanne Alexis Momma
     I miss you a lot
     You taught me family
     Only if I asked you what happened with my adoption
     I want to know now
     I was too shy to ask
     Seems you were in a lot of pain
     You didn't want to see me when we met
     I wonder why?
     Denny searching for me since she was 14
     Did you know I was going away for 18 years?
     or did they lie to you?
     The papers said hostile towards white society
     My parents were told you requested a white family
     You weren't much into religion
     My parents were told you requested a Catholic family
     So much discrepancy
     I am not angry
     My parents told me you wanted a better life for me
     I did have a good life
     I made poor choices
     Choices that brought me to where i am right now
     You will always be my momma
     People miss you
     Bubbles has helped me with religion
    To understand and know what things mean
     You should meet her kids
     I know your with her
     You tell us "hiya quit being lazy"
     We still laugh about when you were alive
     Wish I was not pregnant when we buried you
     I felt i never got to say goodbye
     We have memories
     My daughter has your middle name
     You weren't just an alcoholic
     You had pain
     If only you faced your demons
     I am doing that now
     Realizing alcohol didn't affect just me
     It affects a whole family
     That the family members take on different roles
     That each one needs to go through treatment
     Not to ignore that it existed
     Denny hides behind education and work
     Bubbles hides in her home
     Your gone, but the effects are evident
     I can't watch all of them
     I can't be the one in between
     I want my big sisters back
     I want us to be close
     I want us to remember you
     I want us to celebrate you
     Jeannie Alexis Low Horn
     Mother to all
     Grandmother
     Sister
     Daughter
     Granddaughter
      Gaia

Tomorrow is a new day
    I want to wake up
     Sober up
    Tell myself I am a survivor
    Stop settling for a man who doesn't care
     Thank my parents for being my rocks
    Tell my children their mothers back
     Praise Mother Earth
     Praise the Creator
     Need to head to Arizona
     or is it Colorado
     maybe its South Dakota
     Is it Hawaii?
     Hopefully I will receive an anoswer
     Prayer is strong
     Got to give it up to my Creator
      Let everything else go
     Never completed step 1
     or step 2 in treatment
     I never had my faith
     Now I have my faith
     My daughter Amaya came back
     I have Chayton and Mahealani in my life
     I live close to all of them
     One day I can give them the life they deserve
     Just give it up to my Creator
     To teach them what my ancestors believe
     That being Blackfoot and Cree is who they are
     I'll post about the culture in the posts to come
     I'll post some natural methods to heal and cure
     We are all healers
     We all have a story
     We have all gone through ups and downs
     In order to heal we need to wake up
     To realize we have purpose in this life
     To not give up
     Be a warrior
     Be a survivor

Brenna Clare Yancey was my addict
Terrylene Rhea Low Horn is the new me

Money will come to me when i least expect it
Jobs will be offered to me when hard work is noticed
My children and I will fight for our people rights
My family will be together forever
A good man will appear and I don't need to search for it
Good things happen to Good people
Just LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH