Hit age 40 years old
Over the hill
Should be in my career
Never thought I would be a felon
Still not married
Seven children I don't have in my care
I have a lot of regrets
If I was to return to 2012
I would tell myself or know
To aim for my goals
Quit the drinking
Let go of Herman
A man that can't be honest
With myself or himself
I can do better
Tell myself "DONE" and i can't remember
Alcohol
Hurting my children
Not good for my health
Need to find a way to cope
Writing can help
Creating a blog
Going for walks
Eating a healthy diet
Pick up my children
Bring them to the parks
Cut out the friends that drink
Attend the meetings AA and NA I planned to
Drugs
Come clean with myself
Admit I take over the counter medicine
It takes me someplace else
I fall, I slip and injure myself
My children don't need this
They need their momma
They love me
I can only mess up so much
Then I'll be alone
Me, myself and I
I can survive being alone
I know this
Its not what I want
2012
If there's a time I need to rewind
This is the time
Not worrying about money
Custody of my children
Being a leader
Fighting for the rights of my people
Culture is within
Not lost because you are raised among the white people
Family is important
They have a part in who you are
Adopted and Birth family
Wayne
My adopted father
Skiing every weekend in the mountains
Birthday meal of lobster, steak and asparagus
Memories that bring tears to our eyes
Wishing we could stay in those early years
We need to grow up and experience life
Moving forward and not looking back
You are always my father
Blood or not, you raised me into Me
I am sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't
I dealt with life wrong
This is not something you taught me
When life gets hard, we come together as a family
We help one another out
No more bitterness
Love is TRUE
I love you
Frances
My adopted mother
Taught me to use my voice
Never settle for less because of the color of my skin
To fight even if you have disease and illness
I remember having to care for you
Getting Paul and I out to the bus
Grabbing a bucket for you to throw up in
The only time I saw you cry and in pain
Besides the time you slipped and broke your shoulder
You are not getting younger
I want to let you know I love you
Your a strong woman
Telling me that's not how you were raised
Wasn't a put down, but a wake up call
That you saw me more than an alcoholic
A woman that is a survivor
A woman that left abuse
A woman that can be sober
A beautiful woman that deserves a better life
I was stuck in my sorrows
I never heard this
I heard your a loser
You are a disappointments
This was not even right
I was telling myself this
It took me a lot to ask for your help
I am grateful you helped me
I saw who he was
In time, he will change
When he wants to deal with his past
Paul
My adopted brother
The opposite of myself
Blond hair and Blue eyes
Doing everything mom and dad wanted
Are you truly happy?
Not being able to freely see your son
To live closer to Mom and Dad
We need to be a family
Mom and Dad are getting older
My kids don't know their uncle
Quit working day in and day out
Stand next to me
To fight for the rights of my people
I am your sister
We used to be close
What happened?
We separated due to race
This shouldn't happen
I am sorry
October 1, 1994 I should have showed up at 9pm
This affected us
I admit this not
This caused a rift of hate
A split between the family
If I had been there at 9pm
I would still have my virginity
I wouldn't have been raped 4 times in one weekend
I would have a brother
I would have had happy parents
I never knew one thing could cause a ripple of sadness
Grandpa would have never attacked you
You wouldn't suffer depression
You would have had pride
You would live the life you deserve
You would have treated me with more respect
One decision I want to take back
I don't care if I would be called a good two shoes
None of those people are in my life today
The ones I want back is my family
Jeanne Alexis Momma
I miss you a lot
You taught me family
Only if I asked you what happened with my adoption
I want to know now
I was too shy to ask
Seems you were in a lot of pain
You didn't want to see me when we met
I wonder why?
Denny searching for me since she was 14
Did you know I was going away for 18 years?
or did they lie to you?
The papers said hostile towards white society
My parents were told you requested a white family
You weren't much into religion
My parents were told you requested a Catholic family
So much discrepancy
I am not angry
My parents told me you wanted a better life for me
I did have a good life
I made poor choices
Choices that brought me to where i am right now
You will always be my momma
People miss you
Bubbles has helped me with religion
To understand and know what things mean
You should meet her kids
I know your with her
You tell us "hiya quit being lazy"
We still laugh about when you were alive
Wish I was not pregnant when we buried you
I felt i never got to say goodbye
We have memories
My daughter has your middle name
You weren't just an alcoholic
You had pain
If only you faced your demons
I am doing that now
Realizing alcohol didn't affect just me
It affects a whole family
That the family members take on different roles
That each one needs to go through treatment
Not to ignore that it existed
Denny hides behind education and work
Bubbles hides in her home
Your gone, but the effects are evident
I can't watch all of them
I can't be the one in between
I want my big sisters back
I want us to be close
I want us to remember you
I want us to celebrate you
Jeannie Alexis Low Horn
Mother to all
Grandmother
Sister
Daughter
Granddaughter
Gaia
Tomorrow is a new day
I want to wake up
Sober up
Tell myself I am a survivor
Stop settling for a man who doesn't care
Thank my parents for being my rocks
Tell my children their mothers back
Praise Mother Earth
Praise the Creator
Need to head to Arizona
or is it Colorado
maybe its South Dakota
Is it Hawaii?
Hopefully I will receive an anoswer
Prayer is strong
Got to give it up to my Creator
Let everything else go
Never completed step 1
or step 2 in treatment
I never had my faith
Now I have my faith
My daughter Amaya came back
I have Chayton and Mahealani in my life
I live close to all of them
One day I can give them the life they deserve
Just give it up to my Creator
To teach them what my ancestors believe
That being Blackfoot and Cree is who they are
I'll post about the culture in the posts to come
I'll post some natural methods to heal and cure
We are all healers
We all have a story
We have all gone through ups and downs
In order to heal we need to wake up
To realize we have purpose in this life
To not give up
Be a warrior
Be a survivor
Brenna Clare Yancey was my addict
Terrylene Rhea Low Horn is the new me
Money will come to me when i least expect it
Jobs will be offered to me when hard work is noticed
My children and I will fight for our people rights
My family will be together forever
A good man will appear and I don't need to search for it
Good things happen to Good people
Just LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH
